The temps are dropping and a new year is upon us, so what better time to contemplate the future whilst learning from the past than to sit in front of a friendly digital fireplace on our flatscreen of choice? Now come, follow me, as I walk you thought my favorite sources of fireplace fakery.
10. The KPop Demon Hunters Yule Log (Netflix) offers a purple-mountain-majesty stylized fire, but I wouldn’t really call it a proper fireplace. And while it has a fun, atmospheric sense of dread, do we really need instrumental versions of the tunes from KPop Demons Hunters while we’re trying to chill? Not this guy, but if that’s up your alley, KPop away dear reader.
9. The Darth Vader Yule Log (YouTube) offers a staggering five hours of the galaxy’s favorite Sith Lord burning like a big ol’ pig on a stick. The footage is cut and looped from Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, and whoever thought of this should get a drink named in his or her honor at the Mos Eisley Cantina.
8. The Fox News Fireplace is a post-apocalyptic digital fireplace where overpaid blonde-haired women and overgrown frat-boy douche canoes sit around a large, orange, plastic flame sculpture and attempt to convince everyone in their circle that they’re actually getting warm and that the fire is real. Just kidding, this isn’t a thing, and I think we can all agree that it’s good that it isn’t.
7. The Stranger Things Fireplace (Netflix) is set in the Byers’ living room, where you can view the now-iconic alphabet wall, its corresponding string of Christmas lights, easter eggs here and there, all whilst enjoying a crackling fire. Watch out though: you might just get sucked into the Upside Down, and Sheriff Hopper isn’t going to be around to save you.
6. The Mad God Ghoul Log (Shudder): Shudder has a really fun substitute for digital fireplaces, where there’s always some presence of fire, but it’s usually from a candle burning inside of a spooky Jack-O-Lantern or some such thing. The Mad God Ghoul Log, however, is next level. Based on stop-motion SFX legend Phil Tippet’s masterful Mad God film, this particular piece of madness has a fire percolating in an oven while bizarre mechanisms operated by creepy critters carve a giant pumpkin. Not a whole lot of crackle, but it certainly makes for appropriate Halloween viewing.
5. White Christmas (Netflix): The crackling is very mild here, and when I think of Christmas, I personally think of bright and cheery reds and greens. The room they use for this has been bled of all color, and all it’s got going for it is white. They should call it the O’Fallon fireplace.
4. Rustic Cabin (Netflix): Decent crackling, and I like the warm, homey vibe. The hardwood floors are a nice touch, but it also feels like camping out in a Cabela’s, a thought that manages to suck on multiple inception levels.
3. Mid-Century Modern (Netflix): Very good, consistent crackling, but I just can’t jive with the vibe. I can’t see myself being comfy in this room, but I CAN see myself tied to a chair by a serial killer in this room.
2. The Witcher Fireplace (Netflix): You know what? This one is trying to do something different and I respect that. The only drawback is the music distracts a bit from the crackling, but I listen to it while I work and it helps me with productivity and stoking my desire to sharpen my epic occult skills for all kinds of pagan tomfoolery.
1. The Birchwood Edition (Netflix): Just like the “classic” Netflix fireplace but BETTER! Optimum crackling, very consistent, and if you microwave some popcorn and sit on the hot bag, it’s like you’re right there with a real fireplace. This is the one I call “home.” | Jim Ousley
