Jonathan Bailey and Scarlett Johansson in Jurassic World Rebirth.
This is the time of year when I find myself pondering questions like “Are the Downton movies actually getting better or am I getting soft?” and “Is there some hidden depth in Paul Thomas Anderson’s films that I’m missing or is everyone else wearing no clothes?” In that spirit, here’s ten film awards that aren’t officially given but should be.
The BEST CALLBACKS award goes to Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale. The opening Steadicam tracking shot recalls the opening of the first episode of the Downton television series that started it all, while the presence of a character called Noel Coward recalls the presence of a character called Ivar Novello in Gosford Park, the ur-progenitor of the franchise.
The BEST HORROR FILM FEATURING AN ULTRAPROCESSED FOOD PRODUCT goes to Clown in a Cornfield. The villain ofEli Craig’s horror comedy is Frendo the Clown, mascot of the Baypen Corn Syrup company whose plant was the economic mainstay of the town of Kettle Springs, Missouri until it closed. Dark times followed.
The BEST TITLE SEQUENCE IN A NOT-GREAT FILM award goes to The Roses. Jay Roach’s satirical comedy is only fitfully funny despite an outstanding cast led by Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Colman, but you can’t beat the animated line art by Lou Morton that opens the film.
The FIRST HALF BETRAYED BY SECOND HALF award goes to Weapons. Writer/director Zach Cregger squanders an intriguing opening and some memorable visuals by his inability to bring the story to a conclusion that meets the promises already made.
The MOST DISAPPOINTING SPECIAL EFFECTS IN A MOVIE WHERE THEY’RE THE MAIN POINT award goes to Jurassic World Rebirth. This franchise has long ceased to be about its human characters, but with a $225 million production budget we should at least expect to see some impressive creatures that don’t undergo wild shifts in size and a story set in a world that doesn’t look both cheap and fake.
The MOST INTERESTING GLOBAL FACT I JUST LEARNED award goes to Black Tea. Did you know that Guangzhou, China is home to the largest African diaspora in Asia? Me neither until I watched Abderrahmane Sissako’s film about a young woman from Ivory Coast who moves there and finds a job with a tea exporter.
The MOST UNEXPECTED CELEBRITY VOICEOVERgoes to Eephus Whatever is drawing so much praise to Carson Lund’s film is lost on me, but I do appreciate Lund including the voice of celebrated documentarian Frederick Wiseman as a radio announcer.
The MOST UNEXPECTED WAR ON CARS CONTENT award goes to Song Sung Blue. Only in America would the fact of being run over by a car on your front lawn (resulting in an amputated leg) be treated as not particularly noteworthy. That goes double for the fact that no one seems particularly surprised when it almost happens again.
The OSCARBAIT IN YOUR DIRECTORIAL DEBUT? award goes to Anemone. Ronan Day-Lewis’ film is not nearly as profound as he thinks it is but does benefit from the talents of Daniel Day-Lewis, who came out of retirement to star in and co-write the script for his son’s feature directorial debut.
The PROMISING PREMISE BETRAYED BY POOR EXECUTION award goes to Mickey 17. I like a good anticapitalist film as much as the next person, but it has to be good and Bong Joon Ho’s black comedy is too obvious in its satirical targets to hold anyone’s interest for long. | Sarah Boslaugh
